I MARRIED AN ILLEGAL ALIEN!

Um...yeah

I noticed I get a number of visitors from what seem to be borderline racist-type and/or classist websites. Yeah, um, that's not me, okay? To the classists: Poverty is not a sin. I have read that to be truly middle class, one must have at least six-months worth of their salary saved in case of emergency. Well, that's not me; is that you? Many people are a paycheck or two away from ruin. There but for the grace of God go I. So many of the referring websites are all, "I couldn't get a scholarship to school 'cause they gave all the money to illegals" and "I can't get healthcare but illegals waltz right into clinics and receive the best care." Yeah, well, that's crazy talk. If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at the business-industrial complex. Who do you think has the money to be hiring illegal nannies, yardmen (yardmen!) and such? Come on. You're going to tell me that they can build satellites so powerful that they can read license plates from outer space, but they can't keep some folks from running across "the border" (as if there is just one border)? Don't be so naive. To the racists: The Irish Lobby for Immigration Reform (ILIR), who estimates there are 50,000 undocumented Irish, would probably agree that Latinos don't corner the market on this issue. All this "Mexicans! Mexicans!" focus is missing the point.

No Gnews is Good Gnews

Number One Son just turned ten years old.

Ten years ago, we were living in a shabby tenament; afraid to put the baby down, I would hold him all day so the mice couldn't get near him. He was a long and skinny baby. Because it was cold and I could only afford to heat one room in the apartment, I had to keep him wrapped up in a cheap, pink hand-me-down blanket. All of his clothes then were cheap, pink hand-me-downs.

At this time ten years ago, I was still fighting to enroll in what could have been my last semester of college. I never succeeded in changing that one professor's mind, which resulted in tens of thousands of dollars in student loans just to pay daycare while that one semester became three. I was complaining bitterly about this the other day when paying bills, and Number One Son said, "Oh, yeah! I used to go to school with you. That's so cool," as if we were classmates. His grin made me grin back at him, and I started talking about the happy parts, like having a picnic at the science center and running through the fountains to cool off, or making hooting noises in the deep stacks of the main library to hear our voices echo.

He still brags to his friends that he attended Ye Olde Ivy League University when he was a baby. He also says he has an uncle in the MLB. Let's just say that he is very...creative.

And, get this: last night, I went grocery shopping in a last minute dash before the supermarket closed. Number One Son was supposed to go with me, but my husband was lying down with a headache. Nos offered to stay home instead and watch his baby brother until DH got up. I left and returned an hour later. When I opened the door, I see DH on one side of the livingroom wrapped up in a throw on the sofa, and Nos on the other side holding his sleeping brother on the loveseat. As I brought in the bags, DH just looked at me, blinking. Nos said, "Mothra [yeah, so he calls me Mothra; so what? I take it as a compliment], if you help me put my brother in his bed, I can help you get the rest of the groceries." Oh, my heart just broke. I told him that I appreciated his help, but that I had it under control. When I came back in the house, I saw that he had laid his brother down and was bringing bags to the kitchen and putting the food away. Can you imagine? I am so grateful that I get to be his Mom Mothra.

Alien has not called in almost a year and a half. Again, I am cool with this; let sleeping dogs lie and all that. Yet, I have found myself thinking about him this past month, and wondering if he even remembered his son's birthday anymore.  If he doesn't, I am almost positive that his mother remembers. Every year, I order an 8x10 from the school pictures for her, even though she has no way of getting it at this point in time. I just file them away, figuring that she'll see them someday.

Happy, happy birthday, Number One Son. Live long and prosper.

Newsflash: Illegal Aliens Work

There was an interesting story on Marketplace from NPR about illegal immigrants and Dunkin' Donuts.  They interviewed a doctor who estimates that a quarter of his practice consists of undocumented people, many of whom are working under the table. The majority came to the U.S. legally with tourist visas, and became illegal once they overstayed those visas.  Popular belief notwithstanding, not all illegal aliens come through Mexico.

The doctor's blog posting on Dunkin' Donuts is interesting, as are the rest of his postings.  Visit Dr. Flea's blog to read the comments; some are thought-provoking, some are idiotic.

Falou e disse.

A Response From My Sister to Sister of the Bride

This is what I would have responded to Sister of the Bride in your Blog:

Don't be the matron of honor if you believe it's a mistake. Let her know that you love her but as part of that love for her you think she should wait for him to get a green card on his own especially in light of the current situation in the world.

When I was there for my sister that is really all it was - for my sister and for my nephew. I didn't have prior knowledge of a lot of the relationship issues or any insight into alien's character. I do wish I had said something but yes I was afraid I'd lose not only contact with her but also my nephew. If I had to do it all again I think I'd say you don't need to get married but again I never knew she felt she needed to -I thought she "thought" she loved him.
Don't be the matron of honor if you believe it's a mistake. Let her know that you love her but as part of that love for her you think she should wait for him to get a green card on his own especially in light of the current situation in the world.

When I was there for my sister that is really all it was - for my sister and for my nephew. I didn't have prior knowledge of a lot of the relationship issues or any insight into alien's character. I do wish I had said something but yes I was afraid I'd lose not only contact with her but also my nephew. If I had to do it all again I think I'd say you don't need to get married but again I never knew she felt she needed to -I thought she "thought" she loved him.

Re: Sister of the Bride

Gee, what a funky situation. I don't have an easy answer to your question. When I married my ex-husband there was a baby involved. I felt vulnerable. Read back in the posts on 1996-1997, if you haven't already. You'll see that no one but my sister came to my wedding. At the time I was unsure myself, and my friends' refusal to come to my wedding made me really question what I was about to do. But I did it anyway, because I also felt very alone. I guess that means I was going to do what I was going to do, regardless.

Maybe things would have been different if I had known that there is no "point of no return" and that I could have backed out without losing the respect/love of my friends and family.

I can tell you that I have the utmost respect for those friends that said, "no way." It took guts, and I can see and respect that now. Sure, I was hurt at the time, but I got over it. What do your sister's friends think? Sometimes it is easier to listen to friends more so than to relatives--less baggage.

I can also tell you that my sister regrets not only having gone to the wedding, but also regrets not trying to stop it. Not saying she could have, but I think she feels like it would have been worth the risk of me being upset with her. Particularly since my son and I have suffered for almost a decade because of the illegal alien I married. I can ask her for more of what she was feeling and how she feels now, if you'd like. Let me know.

You say your parents are not speaking up; do you mean that they, too, feel something is wrong about this marriage and, while they may say so to you and/or others, they are not saying it to your sister?

Have you said anything at all to her, like suggesting that her fiance obtain his green card on his own so they come to the marriage as equals, etc., etc.?

The most important thing is to let her know you are concerned because you love her, not because you think she's a screw-up, or naive, or because you envy her. In other words, nothing he or anyone else can twist around to make her doubt your sincerity or your good intentions.

Write back, if you wish. If you want her to read this blog, I will delete your comments, if you'd like.

Best of luck,
Shoulda Coulda Woulda

Just Checking In

Hi there, everyone.

Things have been great lately...Nos' name change went through and Alien hasn't attempted to contact us. Nos' ninth birthday was last week, and I was nervous about getting a phonecall, but that never happened. Alien has also been behind in his child support; the amounts he does pay are just a fraction of what he is supposed to submit.

Nos said he tries not to think about him, because it just makes him upset. I said, "Well, it's his loss." Nos replied, "It's not that, it's just that I wish you had taken him to court sooner so I wouldn't have had to go out with him all those Sundays."

Out of the mouths of babes...

You're Too Kind

Oh, but you know I had to flip to the billed hours for that debacle in March--the court date with Judge Dredd (see "Background 2005" for full account).  Mrs. Lady only billed me for half that day.  That was mighty decent of her, dontcha think?

Time to Pay the Piper

Well, I received Mrs. Lady's bill on Friday.  In order to change Nos' last name, it cost us $1,385.17.  For professional services rendered, $1,000.  Nice round number.  The filing fees were $385.17.  But this is okay, because it was something that was very important to Nos. 

The kick in the heiny was the other bill I got from Mrs. Lady, for the "Child Support-Contempt" business.  That bill came out to $4,659.47.  I almost threw up, to be frank.  My husband actually cried.  He got all teary, saying how whatever I got from child support would just be a wash, because of the legal fees.  In my head I snarled, "So, do you still feel sorry for Alien, honey??!  Huh, honey?  HUH??!!!"  But I maintained composure, and stated that perhaps this mess would be finished, and we'd never have to deal with Alien again. 

What stress, to get this bill during the holidays.  I asked Mrs. Lady time and time again to give me a bill, but she said we were fine and hadn't gone that much above the retainer.  Hello, not by normal folks' standards, Lady.  My husband and I just bought a house; it is 100 years old.  It is uninsulated, and we had to partially gut it and redig the foundation, because it had settled and the house was more that half a foot off.  We are scheduled to have it insulated in December; that will be about $2,000, since my husband did some of the insulation himself.  We have a temporary kitchen, with a toaster oven on a card table.  My husband has been going down there every night after work and framing, wiring, etc.  He was mudding and taping drywall when I told him about the bill.  You haven't seen anything until you've seen a grown man weep with a powertool in his hand.  Incongruous.  Dear Husband said, "What the hell am I doing all of this for??  We're broke now!"  The cabinets are coming from IKEA on Saturday.  We are going to install everything, use the old fridge that was in the house, and maybe buy a cooktop.  That's it.  There will be no "extras".  The floors will remain plywood.  We will not have an oven (don't even ask how the oven became an "extra"). 

Is it so wrong that I hate Alien?  I blame him for this, and I blame my years of cowardice.  If only I had just taken care of business in the beginning.  If only I had had the guts, or the belief in myself. 

I want to ask Mrs. Lady for a payment plan, but I'm too embarrased.

Oh, Happy Day!!

Oh, Happy Day!!!!!  I just got a call from my attorney, Mrs. Lady.  Neither Alien nor his lawyer submitted any objections to the name change, so the judge allowed it with no problem at all. Nos now has the same surname as the rest of his family!  He also added a new middle name...that boy is too much!

Mrs. Lady was near tears, which made me forgive all of the dumb moves she had made in my case up to now.  She made me get all teary, when she said that today was Nos' day, that he has a birthday, and a name day now.  He is just going to break down when I tell him.  I think the waiting has been terrible for him.

Thank you all for your kind words, and any positive thoughts/wishes/prayers you have sent for my son.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

From NYTimes:Report Finds U.S. Failing on Overstays of Visas

I do not know how to post links, so I just copied this story and pasted it in. Let me know if that's a problem or something. Anyway, it is pretty much what of most Alien's family did. I think the estimates of illegals in this country who overstayed visas is way low...

From The New York Times
October 22, 2005

Report Finds U.S. Failing on Overstays of Visas

By ERIC LIPTON
WASHINGTON, Oct. 21 - The Department of Homeland Security far too frequently fails to follow up on leads that foreign visitors have overstayed their visas, the agency's inspector general says in a new report.

The result is an enforcement system that poses little threat of repercussions for tourists, students and others who quietly turn into illegal immigrants, the report says.

Of the 301,046 leads the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency received in 2004 on possible visa violators, the report says, only 4,164 were formally pursued, resulting in just 671 apprehensions.

And while some of those cases are still pending, the inspector general, Richard L. Skinner, predicted that a "minuscule" number of these individuals were ever likely to face deportation, an action generally taken only if a person has a criminal history and is detained.

The study estimates that the visa overstay population in the United States is at least 3.6 million people, out of an estimated 9 million to 10 million illegal immigrants. Yet nationally, only 51 full-time agents in the special enforcement unit of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency were assigned in 2004 to work on these cases, the report says. Thus, half of the referrals the auditors examined where not followed up within a two-month period.

The unit "could not keep pace with the large volume of lead referrals," the report said, leading the inspector general to question the "effectiveness in identifying, locating and apprehending potential violators."

Responding to the report, Michael J. Garcia, the former director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said the agency focused not on how old a lead was, but "its threat or public safety potential," citing, for example, a case that it pursued immediately involving a violator who was also wanted in the rape of a 14-year-old girl.

Many of the leads the agency receives on visa violators also cannot be followed up, Mr. Garcia said, because the individual may have left the country or because they are inaccurate. But he did not dispute the report's basic findings.

Just this week, the secretary of homeland security, Michael Chertoff, acknowledged to the Senate Judiciary Committee that his department was not doing enough to prevent illegal immigration.

Conservative Republicans told Mr. Chertoff that before they would support a temporary worker program proposed by President Bush, Mr. Chertoff must do a better job of preventing people from illegally crossing the borders or ignoring immigration laws after arriving legally in this country. The Bush program would give legal status for up to six years for certain illegal immigrants already working in the country.

"To say it is a disappointment is an understatement," Representative J. D. Hayworth, Republican of Arizona, said of the inspector general's report on Immigration and Customs Enforcement, known as ICE. "ICE is accurate as far as an acronym of being frozen in place in a state of non-enforcement. That is totally unacceptable to the American people."